Well someone thought and said “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” ..My mother heard and remixed, she said “The most effective way to bully a man is through his stomach” ..She keyed into her remix like an organist forced to play at gun point.
Amongst others, one of the things she forced me to do was watch Super Story with her. I mean talk about child abuse, this is way worse than ‘you’re a very stupid boy’.
The first time was very painful but with time I got used to the media rape.
Since I didn’t consider it as super I never really paid attention to the story, at least not until the point the dude says ‘we are nothing but pencils in the hands of the creator’ then I’d smile and reply in my subconscious ‘Erm HB or 2B’.
So many times I wanted to voice it out in reality at least just to spite my mum but knowing the Christian general she is, I knew she won’t hesitate to whip my head back and forth, so I just kept my mouth shut.
One faithful evening after donating my brain to Wale Adenuga, your’s sincerely stepped out to blow of some steam.
The place was a stone throw from my house and since the idea was to get stoned by the mallam’s kush and not stoned to death by my mother I really had to be discrete about it.
A car hummed gently past me and I smiled. In another minute it was packed and she came out…. her name was Blessing and she was the talk of the estate. I mean talk about ‘blessing in disguise’. I saw the old man from the side mirror and that helped my esteem a little, at least it was not her boyfriend that drove a hummer.
Immediately I started jogging towards her d’banj style and simultaneously started to think of a conversation starter but nothing useful came though. Infact the only one that came was ‘do you like beans’ so I just respected myself and played it the old way.
“Hey I’m Bee” I said stretching out my hand with a smile while trying my possible best not to pant.
“I’m bored” she replied ‘nice to meet you’ with a smile even bigger than mine while she slightly complemented my hand.
Me: “Oh kay then you wouldn’t mind me buying you a drink”
Blessing: “Is that a plot to get me to your bed?”
Me: “At all, it’s a hectare”
“Nice sense of humor” she said ad mist a smile
“Thank you. My father bought it for me” I replied grinning from ear to ear
Now she was almost laughing as she proceeded to the hotel bar but I noticed her dad was doing the exact opposite. He employed all the bones on his face to stare at me in contempt, in fact his lips followed suit. With the size of that thing I would need more than a presidential debate to be convinced that there was no bone there.
I really couldn’t tell whether the anger was directed at me or at the owner of the car that was parked in front of him… the car was really taking it’s time to laugh out loud before it kicked….then again I wondered..is this dude kicking this car or tickling it?..
I didn’t wait to find out though..I followed my new date as I wondered how Mr Calypso produced such a Blessing..Then again I thought..things fall apart..
In no time we were having our drinks..I stole a peak at her beauty..it was very technical and that made it kinda hard to construct a statement.
Again many conversation starters came to mind..amongst them was ‘wow..your father has very big lips’ but even jay-Z would tell you that for a relationship you barely have the blueprint..it’s not the best idea to insult her father..
So again I respected myself and used the conventional road
Me: “Your father is kinda overprotective”
Blessing: “Yeah..well..whose isn’t”
Me: “Well… Mine is not”
Immediately she chocked on her drink..and almost spat out
“Yo! calm down” I said patting her back trying my best to tap current.
She coughed like twice and looked at me “You have a dad?” she said with so much shock I thought they mixed her drink with water from kanji dam.
I’ve been insulted so many times in my life but no one has ever taken pain to be this innovative..I quietly scanned myself for evidences of fatherlessness before I replied
Me: “What makes you think I’m fatherless?”
Blessing: “It’s just that…”
Then she paused..looked at my face..and immediately laughed out loud this time spilling her drink..I didn’t bother to tap current this time and she wasn’t bothered by the number of people staring at us..
She laughed a little more this time using her hand to cover her mouth… “I’m very sorry” she said still trying her best to stop laughing… “I’m very sorry..didn’t know were talking about biological fathers”
Now I was completely lost..
Blessing: “That man is not my father… He’s my sugar daddy” she said smiling sheepishly
Now I felt stupid and since we were smiling like animals I smiled duckishly
Me: “So Aristo daddy”
Blessing: “Yeah… I really don’t dig doing school boys.. I mean the best they can do is buy you a BB Torch..and that’s after they’ve stolen their fathers money sef”
Immediately I heard those words..I sent my curve 2 on exile into the deepest pocket I had..
“He even stays around here sef” she continued
“Where?” I replied suddenly gaining interest in her story
“The red roofed house over there” she said pointing towards the house just opposite mine..
Then it hit me like one of the blows he dished to his wife…Mr Calypso was lord of the rings…he earned that name after he knocked his wife out 7 times in 2 hours
I never really knew the man..his gist was very hard to miss..but his wife and kids I knew..In fact we nick named them The black eyed peas probably because whenever Mr Calypso had the feeling and made it a good night for them, they always came crying to my mum… that was if they were not knocked out though.
I took another look at blessing as I scanned her body for any sign of abuse but I didn’t see any at least for the part that was available for viewing which was very plenty. All I saw was the money for the basic amenities meant for the Calypso family.
Me: “I heard the dude ill-treats his family”
Blessing: “Yeah I know. He gives me gist”
Me: “You say what now??”
Blessing: “I said he tells me about the deckings”
Me: “And you’ve never advised him against it”
Blessing: “Now where’s the fun in that…I even teach him new moves sef”
I’ve met many Aristo babies in my life, most of them don’t care about the family of their mugus, a few fill pity for them but I’ve never seen one that got excited at their plight.
With a bright smile on her face, she bragged on how she taught Mr Calypso new techniques on how to knock his wife out faster.
Talk about a moral Ghadaffi… US should really put this one on their watch-list
I tried to smile to complement her’s but it just didn’t play, all I wanted to do was slap the Nepa light out of her eye socket.
But since all the men and even some of the women there were tripping, I gathered it was a bad idea. I would get knocked out so fast Mrs Calypso would be even be jealous.
After few minutes of intense lecture I lied that I had to pee, even Muhammad Ali could not take me with the boxing tips I just received.
I got outside and ran away faster than I came, even the bible says ‘flee from evil’ even if it is resident.
I got home in time for the re-run of the Super Story they were almost done though but still I stayed. I sat on the arm rest of the sofa my mum sat in giving her a gentle side embrace.
“You know this does not count for next week’s own sha” she said leaning up and smiling at me.
“Hian..I know na” I replied smiling back.
In no time I heard the dude again ‘we are nothing but pencils in the hands of the creator’..but this time things went differently in my subconscious.
“O lord” I said “I know I’m nothing but a pencil in your hands…but unlike Blessing… Please use me to draw a beautiful picture in someone’s life…”
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