Ashes to ashes

The sound of the bell reverberated around the right side of my brain immediately terminating my American dream..it was a new day and it was time to thank the lord for it
‘Deliver me O lord’ I mumbled to consciousness as I realized I was still pregnant with yesterday’s idea..
The next person I saw was my younger brother..the one who impregnated me with the idea in the first place..
His girlfriend finally let him have some..and he wasn’t going to let the fact that he got laid before me go..

Himself and my cousin teased me all night wizkid style.
I tried not to pay them attention..but the line ‘I know virgins..Bee’..seemed to steal some from my wallet.
I pretended I was asleep but that didn’t help..so I stood up to defend myself..I cooked up a story about getting some from our neighbor but it didn’t take long to realize I was a bad cook..My brother laughed so much he almost went into shock..Yes there was definitely too much salt in the mix..
They didn’t let the sleeping dog lie..they definitely were not going to allow it tell a lie either..

I didn’t close my eyes through the course of the prayer..Our pastor already told us that thunder would strike us if we ever practiced premarital spartacus ….I was absolutely not about to miss that film show..
The prayer had almost ended and still my brother’s head was not on fire..
‘At least let the chandelier fall on his head’ I prayed silently but nothing happened..call me heartless but he has had his pound of flesh.. I wanted my own dollar..
The prayer ended and still their was nothing..that was my cue..the lord is very merciful and I was definitely getting laid today then afterwards I will pray for forgiveness…
Since I didn’t have a girlfriend it wasn’t hard to figure out that any female that was going to give me audience had to be paid..
I overhead my cousin talking about one place…and in no time I got familiar..I mean talk about an agro allied family..our’s really needed some fumigation
My brother tried some of his ‘night of a thousand laughs jokes’ but unfortunately for him it was morning..they didn’t sell..He even reduced the price a little but still I didn’t buy it..I had limited cash and it was meant to buy me some good loving..
It was ridiculously early so I made up an excuse to bail..the lie was so lame it didn’t walk out the front door with me..My folks didn’t doubt me though.. I was the good son
The next minute I was on the bike..he knew the place alright..with his smile it was obvious he was even a customer..
‘AIDS IS REAL..AVOID CASUAL SEX’..were the first set of words that welcomed me to the brothel…but like though the person that wrote it read my mind it continued
‘BUT IF U MUST PLEASE USE A CONDOM’..now that line I picked..
I jogged up the stairs and what I saw almost impaired my sight..she literary filled the two seater couch that she inhabited..she had no shirt on so I had a clear view of her mammary gland..they were sagging so much my brother’s trousers had nothing on them.
My first instinct was to run..but I’d heard gist..I’d seen her market..I had to buy it..
‘Good morning ma’ I said as I prostrated half way.. but she didn’t answer..
‘Erm..is this the Ashi house’ I continued..immediately she looked up and with a big smile she told me to follow her..
I couldn’t help but notice her behind as I followed diligently..it was so conspicuous even yakubu would not miss it..she definitely had to be a policewoman ….sad news was that she was not making my soldier salute..
She stopped in front of one of the numerous rooms and shouted ‘Angel you get customer’
I gave thanks when I realized I wasn’t going to get with the policewoman
I even gave more thanks when I realized the name angel was not an irony..she I definitely gave a standing ovation when I entered her room…
As a fresher I really didn’t know how it worked but I knew I had to get naked first..so I went on with that..
I was about removing my snake from the monkey shadow when she spoke up..

Angel; I can’t sleep with you

Me; you say what now?

Angel;I said I can’t sleep with you

All the red blood cells in my manhood ran to my brain to try and decipher the message again but still it yielded the same output.
I checked my body if I was missing any part but they were all still there..
Depression hit me like bad economy as I felt my self esteem nose dive like a crashing stock..
This was definitely new under the sun..in fact it was a world record..
After few seconds of serious brooding I managed to ask her why
‘I don’t want to jeopardize your future’ she replied like she was expecting the question..but that was absolutely not the answer I wanted to hear..In fact it got me furious and immediately I started to rant..

Me; Is that why we are here?? Ehn?..Answer me now?..who told you I came here for public lecture..
She tried to talk but I cut her off…

Me; what is your business with my future sef??..Is this how you treat all your customers??..you are definitely not serious with your business..
While still ranting I stood up and put chukwu back into the garden..I made it clear to her that she wasn’t the only Ashi in the building as I headed for the door… and as our brother rick ross said I was going from Ashis to Ashis..

I hadn’t taken four steps when dragged me and pinned to the nearest wall jack bauer style..I tried to struggle but it was to no avail..she was so strong for a moment there I thought she was big meech..
I’m a very humble person so the phrase ‘I’m very sorry ma’ did not take long to escape from my mouth..
I’m positive’ she said..cutting me off..

Me; Oh kay..me too I’m an optimist..

She smiled..

Angel; I’m HIV positive you fool and so is 3/4 of the girls here..
I paused..I looked in eyes..this was no april fool..there was definitely no pun intended..
I’d read articles and I’d seen TV commercials..but it was not until now I took serious the ‘AIDS NO DEY SHOW FOR FACE‘ jingle
She released me and went to take a seat….in another minute I joined her..
Don’t bother telling me sorry she mumbled ad mist sighs..but I wasn’t even going to..I mean wetin concern key soap with padlock..this was no malaria..it wasn’t going to be over in 5 days..this was equivalent to life in prison..
We sat there for about 5 minutes before she started talking..
I had a lot of questions but she had limited answers..

‘I got it from a customer’..she started even before I asked..

Me; didn’t you guys use condom

Angel; you neva jam weaponised HIV

I laughed..she smiled..she then looked towards her condom compartment
Angel; all those are expired..we get them from the mallams for free..and yes I knew the risks..but a girl has got to feed now..

I tried to speak but nothing came forth so I just kept starring…I was not in her shoes..there was no way I could understand her issues..

‘Oya your time is up’ she said after some minutes of silence..’And I really hope I don’t see you here again’ she continued…
I smiled but I still kept mute..I wanted to give her a hug but again research on AIDS is still on-going so I maintained my lane.
We said our goodbyes and like nepa light..off I went..
I reached home and again I jammed my brother
Dee; that was really fast ohh. Na plane you carry??

Me; yes nah..ode!

Dee; ohh okay..so it’s safe to call you virgin nigeria then..
I smiled…the boy was a pest but he was definitely better than the human immunodeficiency virus..
I didn’t have any facebook love but I knew getting laid was of the essence…
But as my brother the tortoise always says ..’even in agro, slow and steady wins the race’…

12;34

It’s still your boy Bee, you can Follow the madness @goldenmoses