‘Have you ever been expelled or suspended from any institution
Examiner; We’re only two in this room sir
‘Oh okay’ I said as I scanned around the room while re adjusting my seat..it was a very technical question and that was my way of buying time…
I really had not been expelled or suspended from any institution though but due to some not so very round reasons..I was kicked out of primary school..
Actually then it was kind of absurd to expel a nursery 2 student so I was just advised to withdraw..It’s funny though how compulsory that advice was..
Admitted every nursery school kid is expected to be stupid..Well except of course those Chinese kids..God most have definitely compensated them for their looks..but my own was an exception..if stupidity was the Nigerian election..I was the peoples democratic party..
It seemed as if a burnt offering was being served in my ear lobe as I was dragged to the proprietor’s office via that part of my body..
My right arm on the other hand was acknowledging all the goons that were chanting my name rigorously….and due to the fact that I traded my belt for an aerosoft bata(shoe) earlier that day my left arm was helping to keep my short from falling..
I had barely arrived in the office when I heard my name echo through the PA
‘Jack Sunday Bauer’ Case 101 ..please Identify yourself by raising up your hand..
I identified myself alright but the podium was too tall, my vertically stretched arm could not reach the top..
‘Is he or she not here’ the voice continued..
“He’s here sir” the teacher that brought me shouted raising me up from my waist without a warning..
Since I had no idea that Mr Tola was about to make me taller my hands were caught off guard thus allowing my shorts to free fall due to gravity
I really couldn’t decipher the various looks on their faces as I gradually ascended to their level..Some couldn’t even help but shout ‘Jesox’ while the others just starred at my underwear in disbelief…
I guess it’s not everyday they encounter a nursery two boy wearing a G-string
‘What is that’ the proprietor lashed out pointing at my manhood
“Err..it’s my sister’s pata” I replied as I endeavoured to pull my shorts back up
‘NO NO NO..leave it like that’ he commanded as he beckoned for my case file.
There was no doubt now that all the shots I had at begging for mercy had being fired off target..So I just stood with arms akimbo like a gladiator from the house of batiatus and let them enjoy the film show..
His eyes shone brighter as he moved from line to line through my file
‘SUNDAY’ he shouted..
Proprietor; No no this can’t be true..
‘It is sir’ the head master said cutting in
Proprietor; you called your head master snoop doggy dog!!!
So yes that was the reason for the season.. My friend Orimidunpa had told me earlier dat day, that he had devised a new method to make old people cry…and as usual my stupid self couldn’t resist…I got into my lab coat and immediately started searching for specimens..
They weren’t that hard to find though, since the only old men I hated were my father and my headmaster..but since the title of the experiment was not ‘how to get yourself killed slowly and painfully’ I left my dad out if it..
The experiment worked alright..in fact it worked so well, that it got it’s salary in advance…..
My headmaster shed tears so much a treadmill would have had nothing on him if it was created for shedding tears..my classmates didn’t make it any better as they laughed out loud and hailed me like I was some basket mouth..
I looked around again and I still didn’t see any of them in the office..I knew I told the joke but left to me the audience should be as guilty as the comedian…but again I thought of it.. nah ‘I go die’ them call am nah, not ‘we go die’
The secretary finally passed the paper that was going around to the proprietor…they’d cast their vote and with the look on his face there was no doubt that I was the weakest link…
So forgive my surprise when I heard him say ‘The panel has come to a general conclusion…’Jack Bauer’ you’re hereby advised to withdraw’
“Okay sir” I said ad mist smiles “Err but how much are we talking about here” I continued still smiling..
Although no one believes me till date I would still love to emphasize though that there was no pun intended..I was just a daft kid who thought he had gotten off easy..
My proprietor though thought I was messing with him..the sudden change in his countenance scared the shit out of me…As in seriously I shat on myself..
I didn’t really see much of him after that moment though…….because while the others held him from charging towards me.. I was hurled out of the room like a snitch that just testified against the russian mob..I guess I was the only person in the room that didn’t know he had a temper..
I rendered an auto tuned cry as my dad sent down the first stroke through the G-string….
He didn’t take long before he picked me and my letter up from school..it even took shorter before his koboko started featuring my buttocks
‘Snoop dog ehn’ he said ad mist smiles as he watched me dance the pain away ‘T pain’ style..
The second came rendering me brain dead as I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out..there was no doubt it was officially the death of auto tune..
The third and fourth came but I didn’t make any sound…I figured he wasn’t going free me any time soon so I fainted at will…
He didn’t get the message though..He continued to the 11th stroke but I still managed to stay mute…there was no doubt his central nervous system was running on MTN BIS…
After the 12th stroke he stopped and tapped me..I guess MTN finally delivered the ping to his brain…
‘Jack Jack’ he called out tapping me but I didn’t answer…I mean I was meant to be in a coma so I kept my mouth shut…
‘Jack Jack’ he continued but I still didn’t budge………………..
‘Mr bauer’ his voice echoed bringing back to reality..
Me; Oh sorry..what was the question again??
Examiner;’Have you ever been expelled or suspended from any institution
Me; No sir
Examiner; You’re aware you swore an oat to tell the truth sir..
Me; O yes..My answer is still no.
Examiner; Okay sir the company would get back to you as soon as possible…
‘Thank you sir’ I said as I stood up ad mist smiles trying to convince my conscience that God will not punish us..
‘Dude I love the way you lie’ my conscience pricked as I was at the door..
‘I didn’t lie johr’..I replied ad mist smiles… I was advised to withdraw not suspended or expelled’…..
Ps; Err this story was inspired by a crafty play boy named Nihin Famugray and this is me using this medium to wish him a happy birthday in advance..Have a blast boy bin laden has non on you..
It’s still your boy goldenmoses wishing you all a happy children’s day..stay tuned the madness continues..