23 July, 2010
Tonight happens to be my first night in Nigeria after two years of studying for a Masters degree in Public Health in the U.S. By 10 am today I meet Foluso, who I have been dating for 6 years. I should be happy but I’m not.
‘I love him‘ I tell myself.
‘But he doesn’t give you butterflies‘ an inner voice says.
‘But we’ve been together for this long‘ I say.
‘It’s never too late to break up‘ the voice tells me.
I’m devastated, I’m broken, I’ve cheated and I can’t face him.
I still can’t sleep. I start reminiscing on my first year in the university when I met him, when we started going out. He was the best thing that happened to me. He made me proud of myself. He definitely won’t be proud of me when we meet. I can’t be too sure he didn’t cheat, but he was pretty open to an extent.
A prime time. I’m tossing and turning. Sleep is still far from me. I’ve always loved 3 as a number. I had sex with Folusho for the first time in my 3rd year. A few times when we used protection, the condom burst, 3 times to be precise. I remember Folusho calling a couple of times while I was having sex. I remember skyping with Folusho while another guy was in my room a couple of times. His absence was meant to make my heart grow fonder but instead, it drove me to infidelity.
I’m weak from my trip, it’s safe to say I’m jet lagged, but I still can’t sleep. My heart is filled with guilt. How am I going to tell Folusho I’m dating another guy? How am I going to tell him that the best friend he put in charge of me slept with me 5 times? He was my rock, he was always there to wipe away my tears, to encourage me. A part of me doesn’t have feelings for him anymore, while the other part doesn’t want to lose him. If I act like everything’s alright, we’ll be fine. The problem is, I can’t.
I’m awoken by the sound of my alarm. I sit-up with a jerk, I’m pretty surprised and grateful that I dozed off in the first place. As I walk into the bathroom, I’m filled with tears. The sound of Funbi’s ‘Clockwork’ playing in the background.
I never had a problem lying to him on phone and in e-mails. I never had a problem pretending to be faithful, and now I can’t face him. My conscience is killing me. I don’t want to lose him and at the same time, I can’t hide this from him.
My name is Dolapo and I’m guilty.
Do you feel guilty after cheating? Personally, when I’m guilty, I find it difficult to look into the other person’s eyes. I fiddle with my fingers. So I find it hard to lie.
Do you think it’s possible not to cheat in a long- distance relationship? Use the comment box and share with us.
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