So today’s post is from our own one and only pretty model @pikcha_perfect :)…. Do enjoy and Don’t forget to comment, let us know your view on the post
I had a dream..It is not the beginning that determines the end.. But the end will show the effort you put in along the way..and would be miles different from the start – Me.
As I write this, I feel half safe and half vulnerable. Feel free to ask what happened to this character below.
It all begun when I started scrubbing. I know you won’t understand, very few would (and I mean like 5 people would), at this point.
I had looked into the mirror earlier, I didn’t recognise my face. It came like a shock..was that me?..I looked again, this time really closely..I looked like an ugly version of myself. So I backed away. Maybe the make up wasn’t enough and so I put more..and more..and more, then I stopped.
What is happening to me? The voices in my head laughed.. I recognised that laughter instantly, I shuddered. Looked in the mirror and three guys were staring back at me, laughing. I moved back and sobbed loudly (They had cum inside me. My untouched body I had kept for so long.. 19 years!.. I had been so over protective of myself..only for people to defy the rules of my nature). My body started irritating me, (you know when you see a rotten dead body filled with maggots)..that’s how I felt.
I went to the bathroom, the feeling still going through me, the voices still laughing, a bit faded now but it was still there.. Brushed my teeth and headed back to my room, I held my phone but my blackberry password was erased from my memory, I just couldn’t type. The voices laughed louder and I held my hair..(A little too tight because I had uprooted some from my scalp).. It began to get scary. I laid in bed, was bbming then I suddenly felt the urge to bathe.
Scrubbing my body with a sponge felt a little close to discomfort. I had horrible flashbacks, I screamed. Mum came to my rescue though, she held my head and told me it was ok. I was at home. I was calm after approx. 3 minutes.
Staring at the ceiling that night, I began to cry..still feeling the urge to bathe..I closed my eyes, tried to sleep. All I heard was laughter, jokes about cobwebs being in my privates, I felt like death was coming to take me, I sighed, was almost relieved…
I had gone to have my bath like 5 times that night and into the dawn of day. I felt bad waking mum up to help me. My body was weird, scratches all over my legs, I felt strange. I cried and cried till my eyes shed no tears anymore..with each bath brought new memories I thought I hadn’t remembered..my sides hurt and so did my throat.
I picked up my diary and wrote “I’m not the only one on earth, why is nature being harsh to just me?” (For before these people did one try to defy me).
When a few days of showering up to 12 times passed (I was only feeling irritated now, no flashbacks since the last time) I had a few laughs on bbm, but I couldn’t go out because people stared at me like I had lost someone..they brought flowers when it happened..(like they were trying to rub it in my face that the only petal I had kept had been forcefully taken from me. Pity parties, they just want to look for what to talk about). Mum got back and gave me a slip, on it had Dr Holmes, a telephone number. Mum said to me “therapist..I thought I could deal with it but I can’t”. It was understandable, but I was angry: •you’re my mother, you’re supposed to know how to deal with it•..I had ignored that she was crying..I went to the bathroom, threw the slip in the bin and went into the bath.
THE THERAPIST: He looked slightly older than I imagined. Actually, I wanted it to be a woman, but nonetheless, he was an “OK looking” guy. He had brown hair, you could spot a bit of white hair growing on his scalp. A white blazer hung on the back of his chair, but he had on blue jeans and black shirt.
He sat there, waiting for me to say something and all I could say was “I just feel tired of life”.
He still stared at me blankly expecting more, but that was it.
When our time was almost over he told me that people go through different types of stress and mine was chronic stress which had led to a mild state of depression. He recommended pills for me seeing as my mind was clearly disturbed.
I spent my days worrying why other girls are so pretty, why they’re prettier than I am. I became vain, with an unruly spirit of relying on my flesh to bring out my beauty.
I wondered why God had made me so imperfect and started to crave compliments and attention. I became arrogant just to block out my vulnerability..
In all honesty, I was rude, vulgar and a sadist..
Days turned to 3 months..and 2 out of 3 of the boys were caught and detained, and even then I wasn’t happy.
St. Mary’s help for rape victims: We all sat in a circle as I listened to angry people wailing, crying and sharing stories and experiences..none was still as bad as mine..
One day, My turn to talk came.. The woman called out my name..”Huh? Me?!” I said. “Yes you sweetheart, you’ve heard everyone’s but we barely know what you sound like” she said, with a smile on her face.
The talk: I had finished sharing my experience. Everyone was silent, so silent that even a drop of water from the toilet could bt heard. I could feel the tears of my audience..I looked up..they stared back at me, still saying nothing. I got up, and I walked out.
A girl called Dani came to speak to me as I lit up a cigarette. She had brown hair, dark skin but lighter than me, mixed race I think, she was pretty and didn’t look like a victim to me. She looked more of a heart breaker.”It will kill you, you know” she said, I dropped it and told her I was just about to resume smoking again, she told me it was bad and no man was worth me killing myself slowly for. “I heard your story, you seem bitter, It doesn’t have to be this way, you know, all you have to do is let go, erase it, cleanse yourself, your thoughts, your emotions, celebrate this spirit of christmas coming up and you will be fine.. My uncle raped me, you know, I stabbed him afterwards, but he didn’t die. I have let go, I forgave him”..
I wanted to kill them.. To make them pay for what they did to me. But the rage inside me never came forth anymore.
Dani was hit by a car last week, she didn’t get to receive the christmas card I wrote for her, and she won’t get to count down into the new year, because she is dead.
What fascinates me is she had the ability to forgive her own uncle, how much more strangers?
They caught him, the main one. He pleaded insanity. I spoke to him but it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t happy..he begged, and so did his mother,. I looked at them, emotionless but tears still dropped from my eyes, as I froze.
His old mother knelt down, and pleaded on behalf of her son. I was touched, it is christmas after all, why don’t I give her something to celebrate.
And so I decided I would it go.. I couldn’t have made a better decision in my life. That was d best decision I’d ever made.
@pikcha_perfect reporting for Alariwo.org